Ethiopia Mommy

This is an old photo of M, taken about 18 months ago in Ethiopia in the orphanage. She'd been there about 8 months. I think that her birthmom visited her while she was there.

Recently, Melat has been talking about her "blue" mommy and daddy, and thinks that the man who lives in the condo behind us is her "blue daddy" she's just learning her colors in English, so we know this means her brown/Ethiopian dad.

I've not been sure how to respond to her or how to reassure her that they're still there, but she's with us for now. I Wasn't sure how to get her to stop thinking all brown people are her parents, or to stop being afraid each time we're around Ethiopian people that they'll be taking her back to Ethiopia, away from her family here.

She knows that in Ethiopia she had "brown parents." Her mom is still alive there, and while we tried to meet several times in Ethiopia, we sadly were never able to meet one another, which breaks my heart.

Yesterday, I recieved a phone call from our adoption agency's coordinator saying "good news!" She was calling to let me know that she'd recieved some photos of M's birth-mom, and would we like them? OF COURSE!!!

This dear woman who gave her only daughter to us--for reasons that we believe to be M's needing more advanced medical treatment here in the USA for her HIV.

I'm not posting mom's photo here, because I don't want to sacrifice her privacy, but I was stunned. She looks just like I imagine M will at about 16 or 17 years old, only perhaps, skinnier. With M's little "buddah belly" and appetite, it's hard to imagine her ever being so tiny as her mother in Ethiopia.

She's lovely, and shares the same beautiful hair texture (though it was all braided), and even has the same droopy left eyelid! She has a slightly darker complexion. One could easily pick her out of a crowd as M's mom, especially when side-by-side with the photo above.

I don't know why she decided to come in for her photo to be taken with our agency's rep in Ethiopia. Perhaps she's recieved the care package of photos and artwork?

I've started scanning photos and artwork from M and putting them into Shutterfly albums to send to Ethiopia.

I do hope that some day both Melat and I will be able to meet her. I want to hug her and to thank her and to assure her that we're not judging her choice, and that we're caring for her daughter as she would want us to.

I'm working on a letter to send with our next care package and hoping to have a friend translate it for us. Now, if I can just put words to what I want to say. Sometimes I think, words just aren't good enough, which is why last time I wimped out and sent only photos.

Two Quick Things from Jessica

I usually try to keep this blog pretty focused on the kids, but I thought I'd post these two quick things from my other Web sites.

1. Many of my friends know I'm a prolific reader and often ask me "what are you reading now?" I've started keeping a list online at http://www.jessicaward.me/?page_id=157 (my freelancing site) about what I've read this year with ratings and short-short reviews. If you like audio books, there's recommendations for good ones as well as a coupon for two freebies!

2. At www.pennywisefamily.blogspot.com I'm hosting a "get out of debt" contest with a $100 prize. The contest is to show me the most creative destruction of your credit cards (they're so pretty.. they shouldn't just get paper-shredded and put out with the old coffee grounds and yogurt cups right? We can do better--I'm looking for a creative entry, which will win $100.

All the best,
Jess

M is a Rockstar

Traveling with Melat is a LOT like traveling with a celebrity, except she gets carsick if she goes more than 10 minutes in the car. ("Uh mommy, I barf.")

Today we had to run out for cat litter, and since we buy a designer cat litter (it really is *that* good) we have to go to the pet store which is 9.5 minutes away, so M would like to go. We also wanted a quick stop at the library for some new cardboard books to throw at her sister. (shall have to tackle that little behavior issue separately).

We went to the cat litter store, and then I took her out for a sandwich at Panera bakery. It was a nice day, and we split our sandwich and chatted (she's a pretty good conversationalist).

When it was time to leave, she leaped out the front door, and did a grand, dramatic bow to the patio diners and announced:

"Goodbye Everyone! Now it is time for me to go take a nap!"

Everyone laughed, and some managed to say back to her "Have a good nap sweetie!"

Sometimes people are so cool.

Happy Mother's Day

Melat is confused about the whole Mother's Day thing. She keeps talking about "The Mother's Day Foot" Rob is thinking this is a distant relative of The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and Uncle Sam. She has kept the mother's day gifts she was planning to give me and says she's saving them for "the foot." We're all befuddled, but figure it will work out later.

Every day is an adventure with our kids. :) I love being "mom" even if I'm not as cool as a foot.
-Jess

I Know His Name!

Melat's latest game is to match people's names with them. She askes me everywhere "What's him name?" (She hasn't mastered gender-specific pronouns).

Today we were in an ice cream shop and she pointed at an old man and shouted "Momma! I know him name!!! His name is Grandpa!"

The whole ice cream shop cracked up. Oh dear.

World Aids Orphans Day

Did today pass you by without you knowing that today is World Aids Orphans Day? Today I hugged an orphan. Maybe you’d say she is a former orphan. Now she’s my daughter.

It was a day of interesting juxtapositions. I was asked to discuss HIV+ adoption with another family who is wondering if it could be right to them. The first question was “why shouldn’t we do this?” I’m afraid I’m the wrong person to ask. I can't think of any reason not to adopt a child simply because of his or her HIV/AIDS status (except possibly if you don't have medical insurance?)

You see, there’s only four days a year that I really have to think about my daughter’s HIV+ diagnosis. The four days that she goes in for her blood draws. It just so happened that today was one of those days.

Today was the day I hold down the arm of my sweet baby as she screams and shakes and wails, raining tears and snot everywhere to get her one needle stick to have her blood drawn. I always feel like a bad mommy for letting them do it, but I know it must be done. They make it nearly painless too. The lab was so fast we had results today. It’s that easy. Her “trajectory” (overall health) continues to improve without medication. This isn’t expected to be a long-term pattern, but it’s a sign that her HIV condition isn’t going to be a big factor in her life for a long time.

We’re so lucky, but I ache for her birth mom, who is still alive. So oppressed by the stigma of HIV/AIDS that she did not feel she could seek HIV treatment during her pregnancy, or for her daughter at home. I wish that she could be part of our family too. That we could call and let her know that everything is OK, that her daughter is healthy and strong and wonderful. Our agency found her, and we'll be sending pictures, but that's not enough. I know it isn't.

If I could do any one thing for World AIDS Orphan Day, it would be to help break down the stigma about HIV/AIDS that would enable more parents with HIV and AIDS could receive medication and care and continue to parent their kids without fear of reprisal.

Today, I sat in the Infectious Disease Clinic on World Aids Orphans Day. It felt ironic, or wrong, but I couldn't tell which. It seems like they should take the day off or something. Like it should be a holiday, or like a holiday should be created in recognition of the docs and scientists that heal our kids. But there's no time for time off.

I wish I could do something more for the kids left behind. Adopting another isn’t a possibility right now, but we’ve started sponsoring an AHOPE child. Maybe our little bit of pitching in will be enough to allow them to extend services to another child who's home with his/her parents, or who needs care at the AHOPE building.

I think the role that I can play right now is to continue to use my writing as a way to reach out to other families like the family I spoke with today, or the family I emailed with yesterday. It isn’t hard to parent a child with HIV. No harder in my experience than any other child.

We don’t fear her condition. We haven’t experienced negativity from our community. Our family is perfectly accepting. Even if these things weren't true, we wouldn't have changed our minds about Melat and we wouldn't regret it. She's a perfect component in our family.

Don't get me wrong, I don’t for a second believe that adoption will cure the epidemic of orphans left in the wake of the AIDS epidemic, but it can't hurt, can it? In many countries, there aren't enough medication options to provide a great quality of life for kids who have HIV and AIDS.

I’ve not felt well this week and haven’t been writing much at all, but I get to my computer and try to clear out the email and the RSS reader, and I’ve seen some great posts about World Aids Orphans Day, so rather than waxing poetic in a coffee-induced trance, I’d like to share with you some really great writing from others.

Mother’s Day Perspective from Julie Barclay (AKA “Noah’s mom)


The Twietmeyer Family and some great Project Hopeful gear. http://www.twietconfetti.blogspot.com/

Full House, Full Hands, Full House by Erin

Hilarious Mother's Day Video

My friend Tracy sent me this today. It made me laugh so hard I cried. Today, I did not feel like supermom. I've been fighting a terrible ear infection--so bad I'm going to see an ENT tomorrow morning to see if my eardrum can be repaired. I sat in the Hospital today with M for her quarterly blood draw, and felt like the worst mom ever for holding her arm down while they drew blood for her test, and I wasn't even terribly sympathetic because my ear hurt so bad I was cranky through and through. Thank goodness for the forgiveness of children. One blue ice-cream cone which was promptly painted throughout the interior of my car--seemed to clear things up and we're cool again.

Anyhow, here's the cute video. I hope you get a good laugh out of it.
http://news.cnnbcvideo.com/?nid=Aaag_NBTvN3YdDOHO60mBTU1MjI1&referred_by=5943201-lsrVUIx&p=hchw